How I’m Coping with My Newly Diagnosed ADHD
Medication, counselling, and a whole bunch of patience.
TW: Suicide, self-harm.
On October 26th, 2020, I was officially diagnosed with Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, commonly known as ADHD. Without my sister’s diagnosis months prior, I’m not sure I ever would have found out. When I researched common symptoms, I was certain I finally found the category I fit in. Poor time management, self-harming, binging (food, alcohol, screen time), impulsivity, irritability, rejection sensitivity (aka everyone hates me, even the people I haven’t met yet); these are just some of my symptoms. I’ve always wondered why I’m unable to deal with my feelings in a healthy way. Why I had to get up to go to the bathroom in class every day, even if I didn’t really need to. Why I committed myself to an honours project in university that I was passionate about but got burned out and showed up to my presentation late, hungover, and in neon Nike slides. As a child my parents had to rig the den window to only open a crack, so I couldn’t climb out of it and escape. On the bus one night, I heard a group of girls wanting to go to the club and I impulsively invited myself along, lying to my partner about where I was staying the night. In hindsight, there was a cause for these actions.
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These are just a few new strategies I am learning to use to better cope with my ADHD symptoms.
Medication
The first prescription drug I took to treat my depression wasn’t even an antidepressant. I went to my local walk-in clinic and explained that I’d been having feelings of self-harm and experience consistently low moods. He prescribed me a drug typically used for seizures, but could work for depression symptoms as well. There was no talk of possible counselling, or hotline numbers I could use if things got bad. In hindsight, this was a huge red flag. I trusted this doctor to instruct me to the best of his ability, not what was convenient or less radical since I was young. After months of taking the medication, I was steadily getting worse instead of better. Eventually, I was hospitalized after I drank a bottle of whisky and a handful of these pills, looking to “take a break from life for a while”. Through this experience, I learned a valuable lesson- always get a second opinion from different doctors.
I have been taking 60mg of Fluoxetine to treat my depression for three years now, and have now added Vyvanse to my daily routine. Vyvanse works well for me, because unlike some antidepressants, I can choose to not take it every day and it will still be effective when I do take them again. For example, Fluoxetine stays in my system for weeks, even if I don’t take it for multiple days. For me, without my depression medication, I know I can’t function to the level I feel I should be able to. The benefits of medication outweigh the risks. I enjoy being able to shower regularly, and without my medication, that is not possible for me. Maybe the time will come where I can cope without it, but for now I’m happy enough and don’t want to risk it. When I take my Vyvanse I notice a difference in my daily concentration, irritability, emotion regulation, etc. Treating the possible cause of my depression, ADHD, will most likely alleviate my depression symptoms over time. These medications are expensive, however, and coming up with the funds while I am unemployed proves challenging. Thankfully I am able to receive EI benefits during my unemployment due to the global pandemic, but some aren’t so lucky. I acknowledge I am privileged to be able to afford and access these medications, while others cannot.
Counselling
I have always thought I was good at self-counselling, and in a way I am. I can recognize when I’m feeling off, but the problem is how to get out of the off-ness. I think I know myself, but mental health professionals are trained to be able to assess symptoms objectively. When I started seeing my current counsellor, I knew right away we were a good fit for each other. So far, we have had seven sessions together, and each time I come away with a new goal or insight to apply to my days. One of my goals is to publish a new piece on Medium once a month- and here I am. Another goal was to get my class seven driver’s licence, which I now have. Crushing it! My new current goal is to exercise at a specific time every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Specifically, doing the training for the sport I love, Olympic Weightlifting. I have amassed enough equipment to be able to train on my ground floor patio, since attending my usual gym is not an option right now.
The catchphrase that has really stuck with me from our sessions is that I am aiming to be “intentional but flexible”, which means that I intend to do these healthy coping mechanisms daily, but to be flexible if my plan changes or I’m unable to reach that specific goal. For example, my initial goal was to post to Medium once a week. After assessing this goal, I found that such a quick turnaround time was making me unable to even begin the process. Being intentional but flexible, I changed that goal to once a month. Being able to honestly assess what is realistic given my current emotional state is imperative to accomplishing my goals.
Making a Written Daily Plan and Establishing Routines
Consistency is something I’ve always struggled with. I’ll journal for thirty minutes every day for weeks, then I get in one argument with my fiancé and suddenly I can’t be bothered. Journaling is challenging because it forces me to sit with myself and do a check-in, instead of masking my feelings. What’s most important to me is taking the time to sit with my notebook in an effort to establish healthy routines. When I accomplish my journaling goal for the day, no matter what other tasks I missed, I can congratulate myself for taking that time. Instead of an all-or-nothing attitude, I still open my notebook on bad days and write “Hey, taking a break today, will be back tomorrow”. Looking back, I’ll be able to celebrate that small success for the day. Even if it’s not what I had intended, I remained flexible and was able to assess what would be best for me in that situation.
When I make my daily to-do list, I feel like I have more of a purpose than just simply existing for the day. Even though I’m unemployed due to the global pandemic, I can still accomplish things that have value. For example, I would often feel overwhelmed responding to my friends when they message me. But when I see catch-up with friends time on my list, it becomes less of a daunting task. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to my friends, it’s that being in isolation can become quite comfortable. I know that receiving an “I’m thinking of you” text makes me feel loved, so I try to do the same for them. I am lucky to have a few very close friends who love and care about my mental health, and by relying on them for comfort I feel closer to them now than ever.
Remaining intentional but flexible is getting me through this global pandemic, if only by the skin of my teeth. The more I practice these strategies, the easier they will be to implement in the future. There will be many more difficult days ahead, but I’m confident I’ll continue to learn how to cope with them healthily.
Thanks for reading.
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